Anticipation

Unsure, …questions, …waiting. We all have that go on sometime in our life because life is complicated there will be times in your life when you are unsure about it all; life, love, and the fight for it all. Then the questions come up; “will I ever fall in love?”, “will life get easier?”, “will I become something amazing?”, “will I have amazing friends that last?”, or lastly “is it all worth fighting for?” Questions are the unknown for they have not yet been written or will never be. All you can do is wait; wait for something to make you happy again , wait for love or friends, wait for the simple unknown questions to be answered, or just wait for something truly amazing to happen to change your life. While your waiting though don’t let the wavering of life and the unknown questions, overpower you and let you not be able to live life because soon your waiting will be over.

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We All Want It!

Passion, love, we all want it deep down. That touch from that special person. Arms wrapped around you, making you feel like they are never going to let you go. Soft lips melting against yours. Two bodies pressed together making you feel like your one. Now imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it’s the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who’s standing next to you?

Can You Find It?

Life is constantly moving forward. Then there are times when you can’t help but stop, you feel like your on pause but life is still going. You watch everyone zoom past you continuing on with their lives. The ever fixed mark of feeling alone now more true than ever. Even with friends, they might be able to help you enjoy life, but not for long. Soon everything turns blurry and muffled, no way of escaping. Your friends try and pull you out of this state, no success comes. Your left with your thoughts and your memories. No matter what you try and do to fill the void, it doesn’t work. You know deep down what will fix it. The thing that you so desperately need, you cling on to it every time you get close to it but it always slips away. You can’t help but feel that soon life won’t be just blurry and muffled it will be completely black, no sound, no feeling, nothing! Can you find what your heart yearns for in time? Can you find…. Love?

My Best Friend Who Turned Into A Monster

     Sorry for the wait everyone, here is the rest of the story about Michelle and I. Hope you enjoy.

The next day after telling Michelle that I didn’t believe her and that she was just mad that Anthony didn’t want to be with her, I had to go to class with her. I had dance with her and of course we had lockers right next to each other. I kept my head up and walked right to my locker determined not to talk to her. I’m about to change into my sweat pants and remembered that I loaned my pants to Michelle, “Crap”, I thought! I very nicely asked for my pants back and then out of no where she turns into this whole different person, a monster! Starts asking me how I could stay with him after what he did to her? I told her, “After what he did? He didn’t do anything Michelle, you made it all up so I wouldn’t be with him and then you stab me in the back and try and be with him!” Right after saying that all I could think about was “shit this is going to be bad, shouldn’t have said that.” A second later I was right, this is going to be bad, she charges at me like a bull and I’m a red cape. She starts slapping me over and over again! I become completely and utterly frozen, while my mind is trying to figure everything out. My BEST friend of all time is slapping me, everyone in the class is watching, staring, not doing anything. While I am frozen in place, just letting her slap me. I felt like I was watching it all happen but outside of my body telling myself, do something, slap her back, anything! I tried for anything, all that happened was I said stopped slapping me, REALLY? I can’t stop screaming, at myself at that point and at all those people just watching and even my thought to be best friend, in my mind. A couple more minutes passed and at that point everything started to fog over, I don’t know why she stopped, either someone pulled her off or she just got tired. I numbly walked to the bathroom opened a stall, closed it and slid to the ground. You know those dreams where you fall off a cliff and its just pitch black and you continuously feel like your falling, well that’s how I felt.  I never felt more utterly alone and hurt in my life. How do you get past something like this?

Days went on though and it was hard at first, after that fight in the locker rooms, so many pieces of me were shattered. I eventually though found the strength and courage and picked myself back up. Looking back on that day, I feel so much stronger and not the little girl afraid to stand up for herself. Some may say that would be a horrible day to look back on, but for me I would say its the best day to look back on. I know now that I am better than that old version of me, letting people take advantage of me like Michelle did. Now I know not to be afraid, keep my head up, and fight like hell!

Anthony and Michelle cont.

             So I wasn’t going to finish the story today but I had a really good night so I decided to type for a little bit before I go to sleep. Here you go, hope you enjoy.

We left at Michelle told me Anthony molested her, my head was spinning, how do I go from there when my best friend in the whole world tells me my ex boyfriend, who by the way I really miss and wanted to go back out with, molested her. I have always been the better friend, with any of my friends, and so I put my feelings aside. I consoled her and told her everything was going to be ok and I would never talk to Anthony again. Time went on and she wasn’t upset about the molesting situation, which I thought was odd, if it really happened I would assume she would be more upset about it, but I kept my promise and I didn’t talk to him even though it was getting harder and harder. Then one day I couldn’t stand being away from him, he was like a drug and i needed a dose of him. He was such an amazing guy and I couldn’t believe that he would have done that to her. I asked him about it soon after deciding to talk to him again. He told me that it wasn’t true. Confused and speechless, not knowing what to think because, why would my friend lie or why would Anthony lie who was becoming so close to me.  He told me what happened in that room with her.

He told me they went into the room and started kissing and then put his hands on her, then randomly she pushed him off yet a second later pulled him in and was saying no. Now I don’t know what any of you would think if that happened to you, but I know I would be super confused. Anthony and I started talking more and more after that conversation and became so close, it was strange to think how close I became with a guy who I only knew for about a year now. We went back out, but I was still friends with Michelle, she was upset about it but never got too upset. Then randomly she would become this whole other person, and demand I break up with Anthony. I felt bad and decided I would break up with him, but yet again like a addict going through withdraw I needed to be with him again. So once again the process began, she would turn into this whole other person and demand me to break up with him after seeming to be fine with it. It went on for a couple months.

Then one day I noticed they have been texting, TEXTING! I know, I was shocked, confused and upset. I asked Anthony about it and he told me that she has been texting him. I loved my best friend, I couldn’t believe that she would be texting him, especially when she told me that he Molested her, and I believed her and broke up with him so many times for her so she wouldn’t be upset.  I asked her about it and she told me that she wants to be able to forgive him and become friends with him. Forgive, Become Friends??!!! That was all that was going through my mind and wondering how in the world does she go from completely hating him, not even wanting me to date him, to wanting to be friends. After taking some deep breaths and processing everything, I realized ok this is good, now I can date him and be happy and we can all be friends.

Things were looking up, I was finally able to date Anthony and not worry about having to break up with him again. Hanging out though all as friends… well that didn’t happen quite so fast, she was still upset about the “molesting”. Then one day she finally changed her mind! “YAYY now we can all be friends”, I thought. I invited him over to her house, she then told me she wanted to talk to him alone… in her room. I kind of did a double take in my mind saying, “Huh…why would she want to be alone in her room with him.” But the good friend I am, I tried not to be jealous or worried and I walked into the next room. After we were all done hanging out I drove Anthony home and while driving him home I asked what happened while they talked. What he said next was definitely not what I was expecting. He told, ” She tried to kiss me.” WHAT!!?? I’m screaming to myself.  He quickly told me honestly that he pushed her off and it didn’t happen. I believed him, because I knew he was better than that. He then told me that she has been sending him dirty photos and flirting with him over texting. He was such an amazing boyfriend and showed me all his texts so I knew he was telling the truth when he said he doesn’t like her and told her never to send dirty photos again. After hearing all of that, the next part was going to be tough also, confronting her about it.

I asked her how she could try and kiss, while I was dating him, while I was in the other room, and after what he “did?” Also I asked how she could have sent him DIRTY Photos! I demanded to know how she could do this to me, she was my best friend, I trusted her, and I broke up many times with an amazing guy just so she could secretly try and get with him.  It was just unacceptable and inexcusable! She honestly couldn’t even come up with a reasonable explanation. I was so hurt and tired of her lies, I told her we are done being friends and I stupidly ended the conversation and our friendship with your a liar and I knew all along that the Molesting situation never happened, you just wanted Anthony and you realized he would never want you like he wants me.

Now you don’t know Michelle especially since I haven’t told you much about her, but she was a pretty intense, crazy, mean person. She wasn’t going to just let this go….. Stay tuned for what will happen.

Quote Instead

I was going to write today and finish my story about Anthony and my Ex-Best Friend Michelle, but I think I’m instead going to leave you wondering what will happen a little longer. Instead ill leave you with a quote,

“Rememeber tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts.”

Thoughts

For anyone who is looking at my blog and already being discouraged on continuing reading for future posts, don’t be. I know for some people talk about my past relationships doesn’t interest you. That’s fine I understand, but I will have future posts about other things like my past friendships, present day things that occur, my likes n dislikes. Lots of things about me or questions I face. Or if I can’t think of anything to write for that day ill put in a quote and you can tell me what you think of it. So come back to my blog n enjoy and hopefully ill make it so you are eager for my next post.